It appears that without fail each year there is some sort of medical crisis that grips the world in its clutches and starts to do some devastation. The media gives these actual medical emergencies fearful names such as Bird Flu, Mad Cow, and Swine Flu. I kinda feel bad for these animals cause now when someone talks about them they are gonna be synonymous with these pandemics of worldly distruction. Yet there is one epidemic that I have noticed clutching the world and no one seems to comment on; until now. And the fun name I have come up with is pretty simplistic. Its the Douche Disease.
When I talk about this Douche Disease I am narrowing the medical definition to those who are just plain stupid, disrespectful, arrogant, and cocky in ways that can be modified through simplistic steps. Lets call it Stage 1 of Douche. There is a vaccine for it. The other stages of douche go way beyond medical help to even mention here. There is no hope for them. So lets just stick with stage 1 in this rant, thank you.
Now I am not a perfect guy. Far from it in fact if my track record in dealing with the fairer sex has anything to say about it. One divorce and multiple failed relationships. I only bring this up to state that I am coming from a somewhat biased place here. I had to do something douche-like to acquire that record. Yet I like to think that I have been innoculated and am on the road to recovery. Discoveries have been made by me in the process. Yet there are a few instances of the Douche Disease that I have noticed lately that should not go unalerted.
Today in yours truly's favorite book store I overheard a conversation that made me cringe quite a bit. Four men-who-were-anything-but-gentle douched their way up to an isle:
One asked "Why are we in a bookstore?" in a tone that suggested that he didn't know how to even open a book let alone read it.
"I pissed of this one chick (Douche thing #1 to say) and she said something about a book I should get her. I wasn't listening. (And there's #2) So I am gonna get her a book." This was said by a young lad whom I can only assume spent more time trying to figure out the lay of his hair then forming a coherent sentence.
And then a third one piped in with this nugget of wisdom, "Why don't you get her a book on not being a bitch. Or something about her period." GENIUS!!!
Here ends our short play as I had to walk briskly away, banging the stupid out of my head with a hardback copy of Victor Hugo's Les Miserable. It was the thickest book within arms reach. I am actually surprised I didn't throw it at them. I would have dealt with the pain its weight probably would have inflicted to my already sore shoulder.
Marvel won't you at the respect these "men" have for themselves and others. Wonder at the intelligence that they exude. Gasp at the complete humbleness of themselves in the eyes of the world.
Now something baffles me about this little scene, besides how I managed to keep my blood pressure down due to their extremely idiotic and misogynistic comments, and that is how these four people survive and thrive in this world. I am sure by just their outward appearance they are found appealing by the opposite sex without regard to their complete lack of inner anything. I would even hedge a bet that they can have their pick of any number of attractive women.
And these four douches are not the only example. All over this world things like this are happening. Guys can be and say anything douchy and still be seen as appealing to those who should know better. I am surrounded daily by those male specimens that feel entitled to treat woman in such a demeaning way only to be rewarded by the young ladies flocking to them. Its an epidemic I tell ya.
But there is hope. And I, as a medicated patient myself, have a few tips on how to avoid this horrific disease. Its really simple to avoid looking like a douche to ladies.
1. Open a door for her. Its a simple thing that speaks volumes for your character and shows that you have a bit of classic manners long since forgotten.
2. Compliment something. Whether it be something as large as her complete outfit or small as the way her eyes pop when she looks around compliment her on something to let her know you are paying attention.
3. Read the book you are mocking. Let her know that you are interested in what she likes. And even if you don't care for the book itself, read the whole thing so that way you have a conversation not based on the first few pages.
4. Stop referring to others by adjectives. People have names, use them and only them.
5. Put yourself aside for a while. Participate in her life and likes. And don't mock things that you might not find interesting, because she does find them interesting. And soon she might not find you interesting.
These are just a few steps to becoming less of a douche and more of a man. There is a reason the first syllable in manners is "man" cause that is what defines a gentleman in the first place. Manners!
Some might say that this rant is coming from a place of jealousy due to the fact that I don't have a significant other to call my own. I am okay with this fact. I would rather walk this world alone and not look like a douche then the opposite. But for now I am going to follow my own advice and see where it takes me. I bet in the end I will win. I like to subscribe to the old "nice guys finish last" adage.
Now take two of these shots and call me in the morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment